The Bathroom Reader
by lady-ribbon
Summary: A pack of beer - 10 dollars. Buying condoms for your cousin and his boyfriend - 20 dollars. Getting stuck in a bathroom with the school's resident psychopath for a whole night? Priceless. RoChu with plenty of background noises.


**Title – **The Bathroom Reader

**Summary –** A pack of beer - $10. Buying condoms for your cousin and his boyfriend - $20. Getting stuck in a bathroom with the school's psychopath for a whole night? Priceless. In which Yao realizes that someone up there must hate him, and he doesn't really mind.

Someone up their must either really hate Yao, or just be a fangirl.

**Review _please?_**

**The Bathroom Reader**

Yao groaned as yet another intoxicated couple squeezed past him, giggling madly and making their way up stairs, their hands groping all over each other, and their mouths roaming where they weren't supposed to. _(Ew…She look like a leech sucking his-)_ Yao turned away from them feeling distinctly hot in the face, (although that could also have been from the amount of alcohol he'd consumed) and silently cursed his cousin Yong Soo for "tempting" him come to this _party._

_Which was more like an all exclusive orgy _Yao thought, demurely sipping his drink as he watched more intoxicated couples dry-humping each other in what looked like very painful ways.

Yao's _lovely_ cousin, Yong Soo had told him (leaving out all the deplorable details as his cunning self permitted) that his friend Alfred had invited them both to a college block party held in his dorm. There would be dancing and drinks but nothing too serious, and Yao, bored out of his mind and not really wanting to spend yet another Friday night alone with nothing to do, had agreed. He'd never really been to a college party before (he'd heard a couple rumors that things tended to get rather…_wild_) but after spending every single Friday night with only Shinatty-chan he'd decided to take the risk and allow Yong Soo to drag him along.

He was now however, regretting every second.

His ears were throbbing with the sound of the latest rock, hip hop and corny pop love songs that were being mixed by a rather cocky-looking Gilbert, accompanied by his ever present Gilbird who was bouncing on his owners head. Gilbert was rocking his body to the rhythm of the music, smirking as he slyly watched over-achiever classmate and frenem_y_ Roderich sit stiffly on a stool, looking for all the world like he had a ninety-foot pole stuck up his ass, and refusing to look Gilbert's way. Yao didn't blame him; the school had been buzzing with rumors of the last time Gilbert convinced Roderich to "dj" with him. Poor Roderich hadn't been able to walk straight for a week after that incident.

Still, Yao thought to himself as he idly watched Yong Soo grope Hong Kong inappropriately- he couldn't understand how on earth people were dancing to this –_shit_- and liking it above all things. He for one would never be caught dead doing such things. But -he supposed sourly as he saw Yong Soo drag Hong Kong past him to a more private area -they must be either high, or just complete and utter imbeciles. He suspected that ninety percent of the people present here fell into the latter category. His eyes burned at the sight of Alfred, the host, drunk off his rocker and humping the back of the sofa, apparently under the impression that the green-seat was Arthur. Even from his squashed position against the wall, Yao could hear Alfred make frightening gurgling and crooning noises to the sofa, and even a disturbing exclamation of "Ooo Artie! You're so _squishy_-"

"_Gross_ aru." Yao muttered to himself, about to take a sip of his beer, but finding his glass empty. "How much did I drink?" Wobbling slightly, he squeezed his way through the crowd of dancing people, and narrowly avoided a nasty looking greenish-puddle on the floor. He finally managed to reach the decapitated snack table fortunately without losing any of his body parts, and only getting his feet stepped on eight times on the way. Hiccupping slightly he noticed that Ludwig was also at the stand, his normally severe-styled hair falling sloppily into his slightly flushed face.

"You look a mess Ludwig aru. S'not like you." Yao said, filling his glass this time with punch form the near-empty punch bowl, and carefully avoiding what looked like a used golden condom on the table.

"As do you." Ludwig replied as stiffly as Roderich looked, trying in vain to pat his hair back into its usual hairstyle. "And I wouldn't drink that if I were you. Francis has gone and spiked it because he thinks it's highly amusing to see people wake up in beds that aren't their own. So, how've you been holding out in this nightmare?" Ludwig said casually, looking at Yao sideways as he emptied his punch back in the bowl where it frothed slightly before turning into a sick shade of maroon.

"Yong Soo dragged me here." Yao said irritably, his head beginning to throb at the thought of his cousin who was probably busy raping Hong Kong in ways that defied gravity at the moment.

"Ah." Ludwig nodded as they glanced at each other silently, understanding and sympathy in each of their eyes. "Gilbert dragged me here too. But I only came to keep an eye on Feliciano…though he seems to be doing quite well without my assistance." They both looked over to where freshman Feliciano was pulling his pants off hastily, veing happily as he stood there clad only in his signature heart-motif boxers, Eliza just behind him, camera clicking madly.

"Where _is_ Francis anyway aru?" Yao asked as means of breaking an increasingly awkward silence. Rolling his eyes in an uncharacteristic display of annoyance, Ludwig took a sip of his beer in what seemed like a fruitless attempt to wash away his troubles. Sighing, he answered, "Last time I saw, Francis was leading both Seychelles and Matthew to a free bedroom. I was unfortunate to pass by that way later, and heard some…Well, I think Francis is highly busy at the moment."

"I'm sorry I asked aru." Yao said, revolted. Ludwig nodded stiffly before his eyes caught sight of Feliciano.

"Oh _God._" Ludwig hissed, his face immediately turning a vivid red at the sight of Feliciano shaking his ass to _I Like Big Butts _with such indecent enthusiasm that Yao personally thought it ought to be fined. "Didn't I tell him not to do that?"" Ludwig muttered to himself, as he dumped his empty beer bottle into the trash. "Great…Now the whole school's going to be flooded with pictures of this. Monday's going to be just damn _wonderful_."And without another word, he all but ran to grab Feliciano and make him put his clothes back on.

Pushing back a few strands of long, dark hair from his face, Yao wondered if he should wait for Yong Soo, or just leave already. He was feeling a bit sick, and didn't really want to go and get Yong Soo, and walk into a highly disturbing moment – he'd had enough of those for tonight. Or maybe even a lifetime. Deciding that Yong Soo could come home whenever he wanted, and thinking about how he would scold him when he did, Yao made his way upstairs to the bathroom, his stomach giving warning signs that it had had too much to drink.

He got squashed into the wall as he passed Romano who was screaming at Antonio in a drunken rage about how he'd said he looked like a tomato. Yao rolled his eyes as Romano bashed Antonio's head in, adding one more lump to the finely spaced trio on his already sore head. He finally managed to get down the corridor packed with people and what looked like Matthew's pet dog painted purple, and saw the sign saying "Potty-Poo-Room" in red marker, no doubt scrawled by Alfred on the door at the very end. Sighing in relief, Yao pushed open the door, and before he even glanced inside, slammed it behind him, locking it securely. "Aiyah finally alon-"Yao began, unzipping his jeans, before he noticed that he was anything _but _alone.

"_Ahhh!_" he squealed in a rather girly way -zipping his pants back up again so fast that they might have got zip-burn- and stepping as far away from Ivan Braginski, -freshman galore and terror of the entire school- as fast he could.

"Hello there da~" Ivan said cheerfully from his spot on the blue and white tiled floor, busily wiping some suspicious red substance off from the pipe he always carried and smiling at him altogether too happily. "What is Yao-Yao doing here?"

"I-I thought this bathroom was empty aru." Yao began hurriedly, ignoring the fact Ivan's crème colored sweater was stained with red splashes that looked rather fresh, and that there was an empty bottle next to him that was labeled _XXX Vodka_ . All feelings of wanting to go to the bathroom vanished. "S-sorry about that, I'll just leave now shall I?" He turned quickly around and violently twisted the handle on the door. It wouldn't budge in the slightest.

"It's no use da~" Ivan said, smiling happily as he watched Yao struggle to get the door to open. "It can only be opened from the outside. Guess we're stuck together for a while eh?" He giggled creepily looking altogether much too pleased at the predicament.

"It has to open aru!" Yao exclaimed angrily, not really wanting to be stuck in the bathroom with the school's resident psychopath for the rest of this wonderfully disastrous evening. He pounded on the door with his fists, shouting at the top of his lungs, "I'M STUCK IN THE BATHROOM ARU, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" But just at the moment when he said that, the music got significantly louder, and Yao could just barely hear Gilbert's obnoxious voice screech over it, **"**_**Get ready to rock like there's no tomorrow my bitches**_**!" **

Yao banged his head on the door in a defeated way as a horrible heavy metal song consisting of screaming, bangs and more screaming pounded against the door and his eardrums. "Someone up there must _really_ hate me aru." Yao groaned to himself, turning around slowly, and sliding on the ground, sitting against the bathtub and looking for the entire world as if he'd been sentenced unjustly for some deplorable crime.

"Da~ It's not that bad." Ivan said in he obviously thought was meant to be a consoling voice, but coming out more like a death sentence; placing the pipe on the floor and looking at Yao with those wide, scary-looking violet eyes, "At least we have each other for company, right?"

"Er no…" Yao began slowly, not really wanting to tell Ivan it wasn't so nice being stuck with a guy who chased freshmen around the campus with a pipe on a daily basis. However, a dangerous glint from Ivan's eyes prompted him to change his sentence midway.

"No-er-Y-yes I agree aru."

"That's good then." Ivan replied serenely, seemingly happy at Yao's answer, and placing his hand back on his lap where just a moment before, it been inching towards the lethal looking metal pipe on the floor. He scooted a bit closer to him, and Yao realized with an uncomfortable sense of unease how very tall Ivan was compared to him.

"So Yao," Ivan began as if this was all just some pleasant tea party and Ivan was merely pointing out some nice sunflowers in a pot, "How come you're here today da? You usually never come to these types of things; it's usually just your cousin and his friend."

Yao wondered how Ivan had noticed that he'd never come. They never talked during school, or when they met. Sure, they took a lot of the same classes together and Yao saw Ivan almost every day, but it wasn't like they really _knew_ each other. They were more like…Passing acquaintances than anything else. He sincerely hoped Ivan wasn't stalking him since he most definitely had those tendencies. Like how he had stalked poor Sophomore Toris for almost one year straight before Feliks threatened to report him…But still…

"Well, I was dragged here by my cousin Yong Soo." Yao began in a voice of long-suffering agony. Ivan nodded demurely as if he understood or had any idea of overly-forceful siblings, and ran a hand through his beige-blond hair absently.

"I know what you mean da~. My sister Natalia, she always wants to spend every moment together. I do whatever I can to avoid her. She's a little …Odd." A small shiver passed across Ivan's face, and Yao wondered silently how odd his sister could be since her brother was so… _Disturbed_ to put it lightly.

"Well, my family's pretty dysfunctional most of the time aru. I take care of three of my cousins, Yong Soo, Kiku and Mei Mei." Yao began, not sure why he was babbling his family's story to an almost-stranger. He supposed the alcohol must be goading him on. Deciding to take the bait, and hoping the alcohol would permit him to forget all this tomorrow morning he continued. "Yong Soo's an immature thorn in my side with an unfortunate grope fetish; Kiku's alright now though he's still really quiet, and the youngest, Mei Mei, is thinking about getting into fashion design at a prestigious school in New York. What about you aru?"

"Natalia's very clingy; she's a first year here and she can't seem to leave me for a moment." Ivan pouted, and Yao suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to laugh at his scrunched up face that clashed horribly with his usual menacing aura. "…And my older sister Katyusha, well, to get some extra money she signed a contract and posed for Playboy-"

"_W-what?"_ Yao choked out suddenly, wondering why on earth Ivan would want to divulge something like _that_ to him, and flushing furiously.

"No no, it's true da." Ivan replied as calmly as if he'd only announced the weather. "She's got these big breasts you know," he continued, cupping his hands and motioning towards his chest in a promiscuous manner, "and Playboy seems to like that." Yao attempted to look unconcerned at this shocking bit of information came out at him from nowhere, but couldn't repress a shudder and a contradictory mad desire to laugh as his imagination zoomed into over-drive, rapidly constructing a scene involving Ivan's head on top of an extremely curvy, bikini-clad body smiling at him from a magazine cover.

"…What's so funny da~?" Ivan asked, watching Yao's puffed out face with a curious expression on his own. Yao didn't know whether to look abashed or to laugh at Ivan's expression; he therefore compromised by opening his mouth and choking.

"N-nothing aru." He managed to squeak out, wincing slightly as Ivan thumped him heavily on his back, apparently under the impression that he was helping Yao rather than knocking out a couple of his vertebrae.

"Feel all better da?" Ivan asked cheerfully, as Yao tried to rub his back discreetly, making sure that nothing was broken even though he thought he heard a faint ominous cracking sound in the middle of his spine.

"Er…Yes aru."

"Good da, because I have a game we can play."

"…A game?" Yao asked slowly, hoping Ivan wouldn't notice the sudden high tone of his voice. He had a few ideas of the 'games' Ivan played, due to the regular gossip that flitted around campus on a daily basis. For some odd reason, he wasn't particularly in the mood to be a practice target for a pocketknife.

_Like poor Raivis…_

"Um…What…What kind of game aru?" Yao ventured to ask as Ivan dug his hand into one his pants pocket. He had distinctly heard a metallic clicking coming from the depths of Ivan's pocket, and almost closed his eyes and got on his knees right then and there to pray to whoever was up above that it wasn't a pocketknife.

Or any other pointy object that could inflict harm by a series of brutal stabbings. Or a misplaced aim.

"Ah! Got it da~!" Ivan exclaimed happily breaking Yao's set of increasingly morbid thoughts. He waved a pack of playing cards in the air with such a bright smile on his face that Yao felt himself crack a grin in spite of himself. That was of course, until Ivan pulled out a rather large bottle of some crystal clear liquid from out of nowhere a second later.

Yao felt the smile slide off his face faster than Yong Soo could scream "_Breasts!"_

"Is that…" Yao breathed, narrowing his eyes at the contents of the bottle that sloshed merrily inside as if they were threatening to poison him, _"Vodka?"_

"Da~ You're so smart Yao-Yao!" Ivan crooned at him as if he was four years old, patting him on the head for added effect. Brushing his hand away, Yao frowned at Ivan who had begun to sort the cards into a rather lopsided pile.

"No aru."

"…What?" Ivan asked, looking up from his deck with a confused expression on his face, his eyebrows raised slightly.

"I said no." Yao repeated, louder this time so Ivan would not miss a point. "I'm _not_ playing strip poker or spin the bottle or anything like that with you, especially if there's alcohol involved." Yao frowned at Ivan whose mouth was hanging open slightly, and plowed on unconscious that Ivan was trying to say something.

"I mean, if it involves anything with taking off my clothes-"

"Yao?"

"-and you can be sure that I won't-"

"-Yao."

"had experience in these matters with Yong Soo-"

"Yao-"

"-I'm on the _Student Council_ for crying out lou-"

Yao let out a small, quickly stifled gasp as Ivan's face moved far too close to his own, their noses almost touching, the feel of Ivan breath on his face making him lose his train of speech. There was a second there that their noses brushed against each other's and Yao could have counted all of Ivan's silvery eyelashes but-

His back hit the cold side of the tub forcefully in an attempt to put a clear margin of distance between himself and Ivan, his face feeling uncomfortably hot, in sharp contrast to the cool ceramic pressing against and through his red jacket.

"Jao?" Ivan asked innocently, the pack of cards lying scattered on the floor, and the vodka bottle leaning dangerously against the wall, "Are you okay da?" He tilted his head to the side, suddenly looking very much like a little child that for a moment Yao forgot why people were frightened of him at all.

"I…I'm fine aru!" Yao started, feeling his face thankfully cool down and trying to grasp his composure that seemed to have fallen down with the cards, "I- I just – just don't come so close to me next time okay aru? It gave me a surprise that's all." He pushed himself off the tub, and shuffled to the opposite wall opposite Ivan who was still looking at him curiously.

"Oh...Okay da. Does this mean you don't want to play cards now? You don't have to take off your clothes or anything." He finished sounding rather amused, as he eyed Yao beadily.

"N-no, no, I'll play," Yao said flushing slightly, not exactly meeting Ivan's eyes and instead looking at the burger-printed shower curtain that had slipped a bit when he'd shoved himself against the tub as if it was the most interesting thing he'd ever laid his eyes on. "What do you want to play aru?"

"Well da, I thought we could play gold fish first, then war-" Ivan began, but stopping suddenly again when he noticed Yao wasn't paying attention to him. "What are you looking at Yao?" He asked, craning his head in the direction of the tub. The curtain had been semi pushed back, revealing a rather grimy looking tub, a couple of rubber duckies, lots of blue and white tile and-

_A small window._

"Da~ Yao! There's a window in the tub!" Ivan said gleefully as if he'd never heard of such a thing, dropping the cards yet again as he knelt up. "That's stupid; now everyone can see through when you're having a shower!"

"No aru, don't you get it?" Yao asked, his voice taking on an excited note as he stood up and moved as close to the curtain as possible, "We can get out of here aru!"

"Get out?" Ivan repeated, standing up as well, his tall frame towering over Yao and casting a shadow on the floor. He walked right to the edge of the tub, pushing the curtain away fully, and looked at the window, tilting his head slightly.

"It's really _small _isn't it da~?"

Yao resisted rolling his eyes with difficulty. "Of course it's small aru, what kind of an idiot would want a full sized window right opposite their _bathtub_?"

"Well da, Francis wouldn't mind-" Ivan said as if that answered the question.

"…You know Francis?"

"Unfortunately. We once had a project where we had to write an essay on _War and Peace. _He was…Very hands on." Ivan said looking disturbed, but Yao could of sworn he heard something that sounded like _kolkolkol _issuing from him…

"Er..Right aru." Yao finished hurriedly, not wanting to go into detail about Francis and his…Hands on methods. He didn't even know that Francis would try that on Ivan. He _must_ have been desperately brave. Or perhaps he was just an idiot.

_Note to self; never team up with Francis for anything aru._

Sighing slightly at the thought of what he was going to do and very glad that none of the other Council members were there at the moment, Yao stepped inside the tub and found much to his annoyance, that he wasn't tall enough to see out the window. Grumbling in exasperation he turned around and glared at Ivan pointedly who seemed to get what was being asked of him and stepped into the tub along with Yao. He had only a moment to realize how stupid they would look if anyone walked in at the moment –even though the music was still blaring from downstairs making him wonder why no one had called noise control on them- before he felt two large hands grasp his waist firmly and lift him up to see out of the window.

"_Aiyahh!_ What the _hell _are you doing aru?" Yao exclaimed furiously, his legs dangling pointlessly in mid-air, and his face burning with embarrassment.

"I'm helping you see~!" Ivan said cheerfully as if it was perfectly normal to stand in a bathtub and lift someone up to look out a window. "You're _really_ light and _small_ so it's really easy-"

".Down._Now."_ Yao breathed, willing himself not to smack Ivan's face and surprised that fire wasn't coming from his mouth. "I meant for _you_ to take a look, and see how far down it was, and if there was something to break the jump; not lift me up like a sack of potatoes." _Which I'm not. And I'm not small either!_

"Ohh…" Ivan said slowly, comprehension dawning on his face. Without any warning, he dropped Yao like a bomb, who very nearly slipped, only managing to save himself from falling sideways by grabbing onto Ivan's sweater and falling onto his chest. Letting go quickly as if he'd been burned, he pushed himself off, and straightened out his jacket, hiding his face behind his hair. Ivan smiled, but walked to the window and peered outside, squinting because it was pretty dark despite the streetlight that was flickering in a tired sort of way.

"Well…It's pretty high up considering we're on the second floor, but it's not so bad….But there aren't any trees or anything, but I think…" Ivan said slowly, pressing his face against the glass, and smooshing his cheek against it so his mouth came out muffled, "There's only concrete below, and I think there's broken glass down there…Like from a bottle da~."

"Are you sure aru?" Yao asked faintly desperate. He was tired, and his head was starting to throb from the music downstairs and the alcohol he'd drunk earlier. He was hungry too, and the tempting smells wafting through the crack under the door wasn't helping his grumbling stomach in the slightest.

"Yes, I'm sure da. I think we're stuck here until someone opens the door from the outside."

Yao groaned and rubbed his temples. Sighing in a defeated sort of way, he sunk down slowly inside the tub, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on top. Ivan joined him a moment later, but he was so tall that he leaned his legs over the edge of the tub, shoving his heavy boots off his feet, and displaying purple and pink striped socks.

"…Nice socks aru." Yao said his mouth twitching into a smile. It was funny to think of Ivan, with his height, and personality –which really wasn't _that_ bad considering it all- locked in a bathroom with him, Yao Wang, talking together and even having not such a bad time.

Oh and the socks too.

Before he knew it, Yao let out a couple of giggles that he tried to suppress behind his hand, but the more he thought about the situation, the more he laughed. He knew Ivan was looking at him, and this made him laugh even more.

Choking, he rubbed his eyes tiredly with his hands and turned around to see Ivan looking at him, with a grin on his face.

"It's not so bad is it da~?" He asked, smiling at him, leaning his head against the cool tile.

"No aru." Yao said, wondering why on earth he didn't feel that bad being stuck in a small room with the school's so called psychopath. He glanced down at his knees suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious.

"Ivan?"

"What da?"

"How did you know I don't come to parties often?" The question had been bugging him for a while now, and Yao was not the type of person to let things bug him.

For some odd reason, Ivan looked a bit red on his face. He was quiet a moment before answering.

"Da~…I…I see you around school a lot, and I….So its funny when I don't see you at parties. You should come more often." He was definitely very red now.

"Well…Well, maybe I will aru. Just..Just maybe next time we won't get stuck in a bathroom huh aru?" Yao smiled at Ivan shyly. He yawned sleepily, his eyes suddenly feeling very heavy. Ivan began to grow a bit blurred around the edges, and Yao felt his eyes close slowly, the colors of the bathroom and Ivan sliding together creating a soft glow of color and light.

He thought for a vacant moment, just before he fell asleep, that he was resting on something warm and comfortable, and that something warm was wrapped securely around him, whispering something that he was too tired to hear fully, but he could have been dreaming…

When Yao opened his eyes suddenly the next day, he awoke as suddenly as if he'd been splashed with water. Light was flooding in through the little window above the tub, blinding him with its brightness. Groaning slightly as he felt his head pound under the warm rays, he eased himself up to a sitting position, not all together uncomfortable in the slightest. It took him about a minute to realize that he was quite alone, and that the door leading out of the bathroom was fully open, displaying a completely disheveled hallway, littered with beer bottles, paper plates, wrappers, and what looked like alcohol gone very wrong. The house was completely silent, though Yao thought he could heard snoring coming from somewhere.

He stood up straight and stepped out of the tub, noticing that the playing cards were gone and the bottle of vodka too. Frowning slightly that Ivan didn't wake him up before he left –only to tell him that the door was open of course- he noticed a small piece of paper lying on the bathroom sink. Rubbing his eyes blearily and pushing his hair away that had somehow got loose from its usual tie, Yao picked it up, a smile growing on his face long before he reached the end of the slip.

Scrawled in slanted, childish handwriting in a violently purple pen was –

_**To more misadventures in the bathroom.**_

_**Shall we get locked in again sometime?**_

_**See you around campus Yao-Yao**_

_**-I.B**_

Yao laughed at the absurdity of the note, but stopped suddenly, his mouth feeling distinctly funny. He brought his hand to his lips, tasting something that might have been vodka in his mouth even though he hadn't had any last night.

...Maybe.

Smiling slightly to himself, he zipped up his jacket and crept softly out the door, but not before slipping the paper in his pocket which conveniently had a number that was printed very neatly and very clearly on the back.

Maybe being locked together in a bathroom wasn't bad after all.

_fin_

* * *

**Ribbon -**

I actually wanted to put Francis with Arthur since I love FrUk, but the thought of Alfred humping the green sofa was just too good to pass up. I like Francis/Mattie too, but France/Seychelles is one of my favorite straight!couples (one of my other favorites is America/Vietnam DX) so I made it Francis/Seychelles/Mattie in the end lol. Good lord..I hope the latter two don't remember this the next morning o_O

_The window in the bathroom -_ Inspired by the fact that my parents have a window next to the bathtub and often joke about people peeking in despite putting a curtain and it being on the main floor XD (It's an old house we live in)

Francis' and Ivan's essay on War and Peace is a joke on the fact that the book (_very_ basically, trust me) is about the war between Russia and France (where France lost _horribly_) in the early 1800's.

You get a virtual dumpling if you can guess who painted Matt's 'dog' purple, or where Arthur is.

...Vodka kisses are nice da? :- )


End file.
